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Thursday, 25 March 2010

Article I wrote eariler this month while bored on a plane...

Article rough draft 1
Do we learn—really learn-- from our past relationships?
Through the psychological perspective one would say who we choose develops greatly from the examples from our own parents, grandparents, and early life experiences; while us hopeful modern girl singles... hope that there is more hope. Many women, I included, see our last relationship often as a stepping stone to the more perfect union.
One would hope that there are two souls out there shaping and evolving from their failed relationships. These two soul that are growing from living have that point in time when they finally are face to face with Mr. /miss. Right and here in this point in time those two souls know exactly that they can or cannot bring to the table, as well as, what they don’t want to deal with.
For me, the big epiphany was really seeing the truth in all of those shows I used to view as nonsense and over dramatized in shows like Sex in the City. I always had this notion in the back of my mind these women need to just chill out… they ARE drinking martinis, RIGHT? Or even after watching the “Burning Bed” with Farah Faucet, thinking why did she ever stay or have any hope left in him after he horribly beat her time and time again. The funny thing is I don’t think I ever really felt it… love... or the desire to be with that one person for eternity. I know I felt the need for companionship and the fear of being lonely, but not that need strong enough like love that would make me endure abuse or traits found unbearable.
As I am sitting, writing this on the plane and happen to be seated next to a husband and wife. The wife is a retired psychotherapist. She shared her thoughts on a theory researched by a now retired professor from University of Kansas named Dennis Daley. This theory titled Attraction Template Theory, which states that everyone has a pre-set template in which we are drawn to specific types of mates. This is all predetermined. She described an exercise of learning what traits are a part of your personal template of expectations. Find a crowded space and situate yourself out of the way, so you effectively observe the crowds of people. Now observe your personal preferences as to whom you are naturally drawn to observe—take notice… this is your first instincts of what you are attracted to in others. Take notes if you want and continue this until you can find a simple pattern of this natural selection of the people who grasped your attention. Keep the focus on potential mates. Like if you are a female and date males… look for males and use that as your initial selector and continue from there.
It was found according to my seat mate’s wife that when couples enter into therapy and these attraction templates aren't in sync the relationship most likely will not work long term or at all. That is probably why they are in therapy? I am sure there is much more to explore right there!
Ok so there are many theories and understandings of what makes or breaks a relationship but understanding what you personally need and want first is key. So imperative, that one should look inward not externally before finding a life partner. If you have those moments where you sigh and say, “I thought THIS is what I wanted but it isn’t at all”… write it down. You are discovering or rather uncovering who you are and what is truly needed to find that right fit in a partner.
From personal example, I stayed with my ex, whom I planned to never have to date again, for over 8 years. I accepted flaws and in the end realized all I had was hope that they would change not acceptance. That wasn’t fair to him or I. Then I started dating a guy that had “everything” my ex didn’t or more specifically what he had… like he owned his own home, had investments, PhD level education, and extremely high follow through. It was follow through that was missing in the first guy and I found the missing variables/traits in the second. The second guy was marvelous and intriguing to be with, however, like the first mate this second mate had something missing. He lacked chivalry in the sense of protection. One night after some being scared by fellow locals in the Marina del Rey of car window being broken and peeping toms being reported; I heard a noise in the alley way behind the house. We both heard it. I ran to see what it was and he was too scared or maybe just lazy. Talk about turn off! So just in these two examples you see how if we really listen to our feelings and what bugs us in the traits of the other or even in the interpersonal interactions will uncover the prerequisite expectations you have that need to exist to being your life partner and your theirs.
Ok, so if we choose to accept this theory of The Attraction Template, we can find hope in this and we can still call our exes stepping stones. The only thing this offers us is a way to gain more insight, personal focus on what to look for, and personal awareness as to what is truly wanted in a life partner.
What is needed for you to feel fulfilled as what is needed for your partner to feel the same? This must be in sync for the long term happiness. There is hope… learn, explore, and take note of things you can and cannot deal with in a partner. Be straight forward when the time is right with the potential partner. You own it, and dictate how this ride of life goes. Work it!
Check out the Chatboard...

Check out the chatboard section. I posted questions that i'd love your input on:)
GalkaGirl xo
Forgot a few other reasons to leave...

I forgot to mention while all of the other work stuff was going on... I started to be cyber stalked by someone. I never got any real answers who this person was/is but a good guess. That was the scary part... never really knowing who it was. The person pretended to be KD by cyber-video chatting (their video wasn't working) with me. It got weird and I figured out it wasn't KD. The second time the person pretended to be FeFe. All was connected to work. I had a tech friend confirm the IP address to be from a computer in my work building. It just got too scary and my worked seemed not to want to protect me other than to cover their ass with an internal investigation. This internal investigation led to nothing or they just never bothered to inform me of any findings. I found this sad... that we as an agency prided ourselves to protect our clients yet when it comes to staff there is nothing in place.
The other reason (yes there is another reason) is that my house in the Marina and the surrounding houses had a weird group of guys that were peeping in people's windows.

One night I had my mother over and smelt cigarette smoke. Assuming it was the neighbor behind me I went to close my bedroom window. As I went to close it I became face to face with a man smoking right at my window! I was surprised I didn't scream. Instead I told the man that he'd better start running or I'd call the police. I ran outside to find him gone but he left his hat and kitchen work clothes. He must have been a bus boy or a chef. A week later the police had a bunch of us identify a man who was caught up the road peeping during the day into a woman's house with his hand down his pants. The police did a sweep of the area. They told me and one other woman to be extra cautious because they found many cigarette butts outside of our bedroom windows. Nice huh?
So add that on to not working with my bff and getting over long term relationship... you can see why I needed the change of scenery asap! :)
Leaving my life to make a new one?

wow so much has happened. I don't even know what to write about first. I moved to the midwest from Los Angeles to live rent free at my family's empty home. (Grandmother passed away) I planned it as the perfect time to finish up the final stages of my grad school thesis.
What I have found here is completely unexpected... I think this time in my life will top all of my other world travels and experiences to be THE BIGGEST LEARNING experience of my life. It has been both extremely trying on my ego and at the same time beautiful to relearn who I am in this place where my ego has been beaten to a little marble and where I have time to discovered some of the joy in the more simple things in life.
ok enough fluff...
So I woke up in October 2009 sad that my bff quit working at the agency below mine in Santa Monica back in July. KD moved back to Orange County. I was miserable. She and I had daily adventures that I will never forget that helped work be so much more bearable. We would sit in random churches/temples/hidden gardens throughout the city of LA, eat at amazing hole in the wall restaurants, find the most enchanting places to sit and read.
We would also have intense discussion on theology, politics, and literature. The friendship had so much vigor, envoked passion for life, and something truly changed when she left. It sounds ridiculous and maybe even juvenile but things really did change when we weren't together anymore exploring the world on our lunch breaks.
OK so survival at work began. I loved Ro, FeFe, Rene, and Pearl so much, but completely different kind of dynamic. It was more like the typical connections we make and maintain that we are used to our entire lives. Ro, Rene, and I offered support for eachother throughout the daily drama of the agency with discussion of what to do to make it better. FeFe and I typically had long talks over lunch on her boyfriend Z or about her future. Pearl was the strong parental friend force that made everything seem ok when you felt it was falling apart. She had a way of talking you through anything personal or professional. I love each of them and still chat with Ro, Rene, and FeFe. I miss Pearl.
This missing piece KD left in my life had to be filled. I figured I had the weird relationship with the Greek that ended and the 8 year relationship with Alexander that ended a year prior and now no KD... I had find something extreme to do. I needed to feel the joy the enchantment of life! So I told my house mate Jeff I was moving. I reallly didn't know where exactly but I knew my life had to be swept blank so I could start anew. I did it... On December 4th my last day of work came and left which felt like a huge loss within its self. I dealt with it and walked away. The next morning I packed up my car and drove across country for the midwest. I stopped everywhere... it was great.
I recall looking at each town I visited asking myself... "Is this home?". I am realizing now that "the home construct" forms with the people, work, love, and establishment of "self" you make in a location. So in essence my home could be anywhere I chose to do commit to following through with creating this environment for myself. Hmmm...

Ok more later:)